We take a break from our regular schedule of titles to bring you a daily post from WordPress' Daily Prompts. I almost changed to a WordPress when starting up ASW, but that's another life now, I suppose... Those of you who remember the Songman's Rest will undoubtedly recall the voyage into madness that was BEDM 2013, with its orgy of almost daily posts on all sorts of subjects that basically had nothing to do with how I ran my life, so I had a hard time doing most of them. One of my great inspirations is trying to write every day this month, although it has been silent for some time now... Check her blog out here nonetheless though.
Anyway, today's prompt is "What do you find more unbearable: watching a video of yourself, or listening to a recording of your voice? Why?"
I'm really tied up on this one, actually. I'm thinking both, but I feel that listening to my own voice is so utterly cringeworthy that on several occasions I have vowed publicly to never speak or sing again. The quickest way to do this is to replay WhatsApp voice messages back - an awful idea beyond measure. As much as it may be a damn sight faster than typing if I want to say a lot, it's still my voice that I'm subjecting the other conversational participant to, and for that I must apologise. Still, at least they can't see me as well? Thank heaven for small mercies. I get really self-conscious when I know I'm being filmed or just watched in general, although thankfully I'm just not very aware very often. The Cathedral here in Truro have a dedicated volunteer team of CCTV operators for concerts and high-profile services (think 9 L&C, for instance), with which I gather I am quite popular, most probably for my gung-ho singing tactics and intense expression whilst performing. I really don't mind or exactly care about that though, you know? I'm here to perform, and not much annoys me more than posers who deliberately try harder or tart themselves up because they know they're going to be on camera. Feh.
That said though, I have a bizarre relationship with my own reflection. A lot of my mental behaviour ends up being very dissociative, to the point of struggling to recognise my own voice and appearance. As loath as I am to bring this up in case people dismiss me as a total nutcase and have me sectioned (under the Mental Health act of 1984, no less), but you know, you have to think about these things. Now isn't really the time or place to discuss my personality as gestalt, either. I often check in to every reflective surface just so I make sure I look like what I think I look like, to make sure I haven't forgotten or something. I'm not a great fan of my appearance generally though, as I basically recognise that essentially I'm not very handsome, and so always react with shock whenever anybody compliments me. That said, I always dress in an inimitable fashion... Although most of the time that's because nobody would want to imitate me. I seem to have been subconsciously dressing in Superman colours of late as well, mostly to be found wearing a delightful fair of tomato red shorts held up by yellow belt, with some kind of blue shirt or jumper on top, which is interesting considering how my personal life is going at the moment.
Back to the question though. Audiovisual recording is one of those things I won't be able to avoid in my line of work. This coming year, we will be filmed for a DVD production detailing the first service of Nine Lessons and Carols, alongside the usual live broadcast on BBC Radio 3, annual CD recording and international tour. That said, I couldn't imagine hosting a podcast or vlog for my own personal expression... It'd just be too embarrassing.
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