I bet you all thought I'd forget, didn't you? No such luck.
It's been a long month off, as well. Somehow, I managed to survive Christmas, and then New Year happened and that was... Uninspiring, to say the bare minimum (Captain's top tip: Don't stick around if the option to go back to Derby is there), and now here we are in the...third(?) week of January, tumbling towards my quarter century. OH MY GOD.
I know what I've said. I know I hate all those soul destroying platitudes. I know. But I'm starting to feel that I'm getting to a point in my life where I kind of just don't really have much to show for it? No, I'm certain. I definitely feel like I could have more. AND SO BEGINS THE PRELUDE TO MY MIDLIFE CRISIS. No, but seriously. I also dimly recall saying that I don't want to get stuck in Truro, and I almost feel the abyss yawn in front of me. I'm going to be 25 on Friday. Jeez. New year, new...?
I'll level with you, I started off planning this on Saturday and I was angry as shit, I mean, I was like, "How mad can one guy get?", an illegitimate voice in an illegitimate age. Unsurprisingly, that I didn't sit and just crash through writing it all in one go, I've calmed down a little bit, you know; ever so slightly. Lately I've taken to reading a lot again (which may or may not have something to do with the fact that the power adapter to my keyboard hasn't worked properly for months), and soaking up a ton of English satire (Charlie Brooker), American trangressive nihilism (Chuck Palahniuk), and Bohemian modernism (Franz Kafka) (look how intellectual I am eh) has taught me that if I spend too long just looking at my boring and unfulfilling life (oh is it though) that nothing will really happen and I'll just sit around having decided that I'll be miserable forever and yadda yadda yadda you get the point. I'm about halfway through The Trial, and I already feel like my life is some kind of dark reflection of Josef K., not especially being on trial per se, but more that I'm trapped by what appears to be my own idiocy, and an inability to ask the right questions to find the way out of some mysterious arrest. Some kind of existential hall of mirrors. Or something.
I digress. I do need to actually get something together, namely my life. But this is frightening. Change is inherently terrifying to me. I might not have capitalised But the discussions have started already, and there is a very lightly penciled exit timetable that may or may not fluctuate wildly in the coming year - I do joke about merely having to change the date at the top of the letter of resignation... But actually it would require a substantial redrafting. A bit of tuning up. I understand that I have to make an almost concrete plan that could at any time be shattered, but as long as I have the basics sorted I ought to be able to roll with it. I feel I kind of wasted a lot of time at Uni just not doing stuff, I owe it to myself to do something really exciting. I mean, really. And I'll need money of course.
Speaking of money though, I'm pleased to report that I'm also starting the ball rolling on my plans to travel across the pond. I haven't got two maple leaf flags hung on the mirrors in my room for nothing, after all. I'd love to go in the summer, but the small matter of choir tour to Northern France and Belgium and all the money I'd need for that might get in the way. I can't remember how much money I took to Sweden with me to begin with, but I do remember that it wasn't remotely enough. I took another 50 quid out through an immensely expensive transfer place in Stockholm and spending every last Crown. Choir tour is the only regular foreign holiday I take, so I try to enjoy it as much as possible. Hopefully we can bring Cardinal Sin along as some kind of choir mascot, and he can sit in a flowerpot again.
As for the schedule, I haven't given up on it, but I realise I need to tighten my form up a lot, you know, a bit of structure isn't going to hurt anybody is it? Tuesdays are still going to be the front and centre "ooooo I hate everything especially myself" kind of thing, just in case you were worried for a moment. I'd hate for you to worry. I put a nice new background on the page, so why not write in to tell me how much you like it and I'll be back on Thursday!
No comments:
Post a Comment