Fair in a morn

You know, the thing with a sporadic update schedule is that you sometimes miss the big occasions - even a first anniversary is as exciting as any other!  I still haven't really found a 'purpose' for this particular venture, as such, but it keeps me sane - just.

Lately, things have been... Well, not great.  I've had awful block, terrible depression, a straight up inability to sleep, and become almost a fixed point around which my moods swing and emotions wildly oscillate, which is more tiring than anything else.  Through it all though, I've managed to keep going; perhaps at a less than even keel but still... I know that I'm indestructible.  It isn't easy feeling like you don't belong, especially when you thought you'd left that sensation behind in the toilet that was my second year at University.  It's difficult to explain, even with several thousand words left ahead of us here and now, because the contexts are often so sensitive.  People I love and care about very deeply often bear the brunt of an unhappy man who simply feels lost a lot of the time.  I'm sure one day we'll all look back on this and laugh, heartily and loudly, laughing genuinely at the quarter-life crisis of someone who probably just doesn't get enough fibre in his diet (come on, it has to boil down to something that ridiculous).  Even today had its own great episode!

Failure hangs heavy in the air this afternoon in particular.  I can't really remember the last time I legitimately asked somebody out on a date before this afternoon, but that day, lost as it is to the ages and cobwebbed chambers of my memory was also the last time I got a successful answer.  I know, I know; you're thinking that this shouldn't really be a problem.  I shouldn't really be getting upset about this.  Not really.  I feel the same way, it's quite disappointing getting hung up on so simple a hook, but... It's a real drain, actually.  I have problems, as we know, intuiting social cues, body language, facial expression, basic human communication.  A lot don't believe me because I seem to get on quite well.  The awful truth is that I don't, and just because I don't look like I'm searching for the nearest and most convenient exit while I'm basically anywhere is because I've normally already worked it out ahead of time.  It's extremely difficult for me to engage on an emotionally stable and socially relaxed level at any time, so have a heart.

It's not as if I haven't had dates in the past either, to say otherwise would be to do a very great disservice to a good few (but not many) young ladies.  Usually, there are patterns that I am finally recognising, patterns that I seem to fall into time after time.  Being attracted to someone makes me extremely nervous, and the control of such nerves soon becomes completely impossible, which makes social interaction a nightmare - I usually talk too fast and can get quite sarcastic without even really meaning to, which normally leads to nobody quite being able to understand the other.  It's also a huge effort, especially factoring in the low margin of success, in thinking of the right thing to say, and finding the right time and nothing ever seems to happen properly and I end up coming away very bitter and angry at myself for even trying.  Why bother, if that's all I have to look forward to?

Most of the time, I just stop myself.  Is this a good idea?  Is it really?  Won't I scare this person off with my mania and my anxieties, my gaping character flaws?  Normally, I say yes, of course I will.  Could you imagine?  What would we talk about?  What would we do?  How long would it be until the inevitable, crushing rejection?  There are some rejections that secretly, I have never recovered from, and the prospect of any in the future honestly frightens me.  There have been those who used me to make themselves feel better, those whose affections have soured faster than those sherbet lemons I always carry around (just in case!), those who are so precious, those who have known but never believed, those who have never known, and those who never will.  That and I don't really have a plan if I ask anyone and they say yes anymore - I hardly know what flight of fancy lead me into the latest swatting but I somehow decided it would be a good idea, almost on the spot.  I say swatting, but it was all very gentle; for all that frustration in being refused I kind of had no outlet as one must stay magnanimous, no matter how awful and dejected and useless actually hearing "no" made me feel.  I understand that wasn't the intention at all but it doesn't stop it from hurting.  Like when you accidentally staple your thumb.  

It's all back to square one though.  Straight back to the foot of the heap, a mountain of a mole hill of self worth and self esteem.  There's always something in me that keeps trying, keeps pushing - I've never truly learned to give up yet, which has its upsides and its down.  Sometimes I feel sick, I feel like it's killing me but... I don't know.  At least I still feel!  They say that you only regret the things that you didn't do, after all.  Oy.


I'm sure I've published better, and hopefully I will again; forgive me for bending your ear with tales of ponderous woe.  All's fair in love and war, and we all know I'm spoiling for a fight most of the time anyway.  Hopefully I can move past the latest in a series of severe creative blocks and write something you might even enjoy reading!  That'd be nice.  

NEXT TIME on ASW... William Shatner's THE TRANSFORMED MAN, Alan Shore as my Aspergers hero, and just who am I carrying sherbet lemons around for?  And why?  Isn't it obvious?!

Sequenza I: Mothering Sunday

"But how will I cope?"

The little bird was frightened.

"But what will I do?"

'I'll always be here!'

'There's nothing to be scared of.'

'I have faith in you.'

The bird flew away;

But he would never forget

who taught him to fly.

 Art by Dan Stiles - danstiles.com

O Radiant Dawn - Truro Cathedral Choir Spring Concert with Joel Garthwaite, Friday 27th February 2015

PROGRAMME

O Radiant Dawn – James MacMillan (b 1959)

The Three Kings – Jonathan Dove (b 1959)

Soloists: Louis Cain and Fraser Rogers treble

Christ hath a garden – Jeremy Jackman (b 1952)

Soloists: Jake Barlow alto, Peter Thomson tenor and Charlie Murray bass

Aria for Joel and Vicki – Gabriel Jackson (b 1962) (first performance)

Soloists: Luke Bond organ and Joel Garthwaite saxophone

From ‘Seven Magnificat Antiphons’: – Gabriel Jackson

O Adonai

O Radix Jesse

O Clavis David

O Oriens

Cantate Domino – Patrick Hawes (b 1958)

Soloist: Toby Pearce treble

Organ – Graham Fitkin (b 1963)

Soloist: Luke Bond organ

All wisdom cometh from the Lord – Philip Moore (b 1943)

Soloist: Charlie Murray bass

The Seal Lullaby – Eric Whitacre (b 1970)

Nunc Dimittis – Philip Stopford (b 1977)

Vox clara ecce intonat – Gabriel Jackson

Soloists: Joel Garthwaite saxophone and Paul-Ethan Bright alto

WORDS AND PROGRAMME NOTES

O Radiant Dawn – James MacMillan

MacMillan is one of the leading composers of this generation, whose varied output touches almost every aspect of sacred and secular music, informed not only by his faith as a Roman Catholic, but also by the traditional music of his native Scotland. This piece comes from the Strathclyde Motets, and is a setting of O Oriens, the antiphon for the 21^st of December, which compares the light of Christ to the rising sun. It opens with the full choir in strict homophony (all parts moving together, as in a hymn), using grace notes in the treble and tenor parts to imitate the 'Scotch snap', and builds itself on simple repeated phrases. Suspensions (dissonances which resolve) add to the devotional character of the words, and the last word of the antiphon, “death”, is left unresolved. While the first section is the text of the antiphon, the second section is taken from Isaiah, and is sung by the upper voices alone, in consonant thirds. The antiphon is repeated and “death” finds its resolution as the choir sings the ‘Amen’ – the short, repeated phrases adding to the devotional nature, with a final 'Scotch snap' into the last chord.

O Radiant Dawn, Splendour of eternal Light,

Sun of Justice: come, shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death.

Isaiah had prophesied, 'The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;

upon those who dwelt in the land of gloom a light has shone.'

Amen.

Antiphon for the 21^st of December, Isaiah 9, v2

The Three Kings – Jonathan Dove

Commissioned by the Choir of King’s College, Cambridge for its Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols in 2000, this carol succeeds in preserving the narrative intensity of the poem while developing its own musical character. The nature of the poem is reminiscent of the ancient French 'forme fixe' Rondeau, using “O balow, balow la lay/Gifts for a baby King, O” as the refrain, tied together rhythmically throughout the piece. The different characters of each of the kings is represented through different choral textures – the melancholy of the youngest expressed by the doleful treble solos, the solemnity of the middle King focused by always being sung by no more than four parts at once, and the joy of the oldest King accentuated by the ebullient, virtuosic triplet figures at “Many a gaud and glittering toy”. The final chorus builds to an impassioned climax, before returning to the quiet character of the opening.

The first king was very young,

O balow, balow la lay,

With doleful ballads on his tongue,

O balow, balow la lay,

He came bearing a branch of myrrh

Than which no gall is bitterer,

O balow, balow la lay,

Gifts for a baby King, O.

The second king was a man in prime,

O balow, balow la lay,

The solemn priest of a solemn time,

O balow, balow la lay,

With eyes downcast and reverent feet

He brought his incense sad and sweet,

O balow, balow la lay,

Gifts for a baby King, O.

The third king was very old,

O balow, balow la lay,

Both his hands were full of gold,

O balow, balow la lay,

Many a gaud and glittering toy,

Baubles brave for a baby boy,

O balow, balow la lay,

Gifts for a baby King, O.

Dorothy L Sayers

Christ hath a garden – Jeremy Jackman

A three part setting of a hymn by Isaac Watts, this short anthem is full of originality and unexpected wit, including a quote from the classic jazz song “Autumn Leaves”. While the tonality is major overall, the harmonic centre constantly twists and turns, with surprising intervals and extended suspensions. The alto part is particularly characterised by upward leaps of a seventh, and there are moments of subtle word painting to be found: at the words “Awake, O wind of heav’n” and “Stir up, O South” the tenors and basses surge forward with a driving quaver rhythm, the altos reach their highest notes of the piece (another leap of a seventh) at the word “bloom”, and again at the end, where the springing rhythm in the alto part reflects the “springing green”. Jackman has previously been a countertenor in The King's Singers, and was once famous as the voice of the doggerel rhymes in the theme music of Blackadder II.

Christ hath a garden all around,

A paradise of fruitful ground,

Chosen by love and fenc'd by grace,

From out the world's wide wilderness.

Like trees of spice his servants stand,

There planted by his mighty hand,

By Eden's gracious streams that flow,

To feed their beauty where they grow.

Awake O wind of heav'n, and bear

Their sweetest perfume thro' the air,

Stir up, O South, the boughs that bloom,

Till the beloved Master come.

That he may come, and linger yet,

Among the trees that he hath set,

That he may evermore be seen.

To walk amid the springing green.

Isaac Watts

Aria for Joel and Vicki – Gabriel Jackson (first performance)

Composed in celebration of the marriage of Joel Garthwaite and his fiance, this work reflects the joy of the wedding ceremony. It uses the entire range of the Tenor Saxophone, alongside the considerable tonal resources of the organ, and is full of Jackson's signature style, with long melodic phrases using lombardic rhythms, the true expression of the 'scotch snap'. The opening phrase features an organ melody over cluster chord accompaniment, giving way to the saxophone, in the middle of its register, in the spirit of the expressive 'en taille' aria movements of the French organ mass. While one instrument holds a note or chord, the other plays syncopated phrases, which are swapped back and forth over the piece. As we approach the end, the opening Saxophone melody is repeated up an octave, and finally draws to a close in a peaceful mood.

From ‘Seven Magnificat Antiphons’ – Gabriel Jackson

O Adonai, O Radix Jesse, O Clavis David and O Oriens

Gabriel Jackson composed six of his seven Magnificat Antiphons for the gentlemen and boys of Truro Cathedral Choir who gave their first performance on 7^th December. The remaining antiphon, O Clavis David was composed for the Choir of Merton College, Oxford and premiered in 2012.

The words come from the seven ‘great O antiphons’ (so named because each one starts with an ‘O’) which are used liturgically in the seven days leading up to Christmas Day. Jackson’s settings use the full resources of the choir, with O Adonai for the tenors and basses, O Radix Jesse for the trebles and altos, and the others for the full choir, split into up to eight parts.

These are a further expression of the style already encountered in the Aria for Joel and Vicki, full of lively syncopation and colourful harmonies. The long held notes (so-called ‘pedal notes’), especially in O Clavis David, act as great granite-like drones, underpinning the text sung in the other parts. Jackson often moves the tune around the different voice-parts of the choir, sometimes clearly at the top of the texture, sometimes in the basses, and sometimes with the whole choir, in unison.

O Adonai, et Dux domus Israel, qui Moysi in igne flamme rubi apparuisti, et ei in Sina legem dedisti: veni ad liberandum nos in brachio extento. O Radix Jesse, quistas in signum populorum, super quem continebunt reges os suum, quem Gentes deprecabuntur: veni ad liberandum nos, jam noli tardere. O Clavis David, et sceptrum domus Israel, qui aperis et nemo claudit; claudis, et nemo aperit: veni, et educ vinctum de domo carceris, sedentem in tenebris, et umbra mortis O Oriens, splendor lucis aeternae, et sol justitae: veni, et illumina sedentes in tenebris, et umbra mortis.

O Lord, and leader of the house of Israel, who appearedst in the bush to Moses in a flame of fire, and gavest him the law in Sinai: Come and deliver us with an outstretched arm. O Root of Jesse, which standest for an ensign of the people, at whom kings shall shut their mouths, to whom the Gentiles shall seek: Come and deliver us, and tarry not. O Key of David, and sceptre of the house of Israel, that openest and no man shuttest; and shuttest and no man openeth: Come, and bring the prisoner out of the prison house, and him that sitteth in darkness, and the shadow of death. O Dayspring, Brightness of light everlasting, and sun of righteousness: Come, and enlighten him that sitteth in darkness, and the shadow of death.

Antiphons for the 18^th, 19^th, 20^th and 21^st December

Cantate Domino – Patrick Hawes

Commissioned by the saxophonist Christian Forshaw, this short anthem uses the timbres of upper voices, the organ, and the saxophone high in its range to create an avant-garde sound world. Hawes uses plainsong chant as the basis of his melody, which he shares between the different voice-parts of the choir. The short text is repeated several times through the piece, clothed in haunting melodies.

Cantate Domino, benedicite nomen eius:

bene nuntiate de die in diem salutare eius,

Alleluia

O sing unto the Lord, bless his name:

tell out his salvation from day to day,

Alleluia

Psalm 95, v2

ORGAN – Graham Fitkin

Here, rhythm, texture and sheer volume lead this music, rather than a specific melody. The composer leaves a set of detailed yet simple instructions to the performer, and writes that he “focused on three things while composing ORGAN” – the power of the absolute full organ, juxtaposing contrapuntal interest against block chords and utilising a bass line composed of only two notes. It was commissioned for the Organ of Birmingham’s Symphony Hall in 2004, and shows a starkness of texture to match the neo-classical style of that particular instrument. There is no suggested registration or manual changes, just changes in the dynamic level, and the tempo stays exactly the same throughout the entire piece. The highest part of the texture is dominated by a constantly moving semiquaver figure, giving way to massive chords, while the left hand punctuates with melodic interest. It ends as suddenly and as abruptly as it began, free of any classical resolution.

All wisdom cometh from the Lord – Philip Moore

Written in celebration of the 50^th anniversary of Lanesborough Preparatory School, where the choristers of Guildford Cathedral Choir are educated, this anthem is a triumph of form as much as anything else. The huge variety in the musical texture compliments the different aspects of wisdom presented to us in the Biblical words from the book of Ecclesiasticus – the strong and austere opening gives way to a rhythmically sharp motif, the irregular beat pattern adding to the questioning nature of the text. The central section, a bass solo, answers the questions presented to us. Afterwards, the rhythm picks up again, returning to the jaunty syncopation of the second section, but this time in a major mode, with a celebratory feeling. 

Finally, in the last section, the trebles sing the words of the psalm to the plainsong melody associated with the Nunc Dimittis, while the tenors and bases repeat the melody from the very start but now drawn out with longer note values. The organ part also uses material we have previously heard, using some of the same harmonic progressions from the bass solo. At the very end of the piece, as the trebles finish their plainsong tune, the opening motif is repeated one last time, moving from the altos to the basses and finally to the tenors; all voice-parts have a share in the wisdom of the Lord.

All wisdom cometh from the Lord, and is with Him for ever.

Who can number the sand of the sea and the drops of rain and the days of eternity?

Who can find out the height of heav'n, and the breadth of the earth and the deep and wisdom?

Wisdom hath been created before all things and the understanding of prudence from everlasting.

The word of God most high is the fountain of Wisdom, and her ways are everlasting commandments.

To whom hath the root of Wisdom been revealed? Or who hath known her wise counsels?

There is one wise and greatly to be fear'd, the Lord sitting upon his throne.

He created her and saw her and numbered her, and poured her out upon all his works.

She is with all flesh according to his gifts, and he hath given her to them that love him.

The fear of the Lord is honour and glory and gladness and a crown of rejoicing.

The fear of the Lord maketh a merry heart and bringeth joy and gladness and a long life.

Teach me O Lord the way of thy statutes: and I shall keep it unto the end.

Give me understanding and I shall keep thy law; yea I shall keep it with my whole heart.

Make me to go in the way of thy commandments: for therein is my desire.

O stablish thy word in thy servant: that I may fear thee.

Behold my delight is in thy commandments: O quicken me in thy righteousness.

Ecclesiasticus 1 vv1-6 & 8-12, and Psalm 119 vv33-35 & 38-40

The Seal Lullaby – Eric Whitacre

With words from a classic Kipling story, Whitacre wrote this in response to a commission for an animated film. Simple yet accessible, the music imitates the rolling movement of the waves. The melodic interest is shared between all parts of the choir and the accompanying piano, and closes by repeating the opening chorus. This particular arrangement was commissioned by the Towne Singers, after the animation studio dropped the project to make Kung Fu Panda instead. 

Oh! hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us,

And black are the waters that sparkled so green.

The moon, o'er the combers, looks downward to find us

At rest in the hollows that rustle between.

Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow;

Ah, weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease!

The storm shall not wake thee, nor shark overtake thee,

Asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas.

Rudyard Kipling

Nunc Dimittis (from The Truro Evening Canticles) – Philip Stopford

In the Nunc Dimittis, composed in 2011 for unaccompanied choir, Stopford shows his talent for writing a beautiful, uncomplicated melody, and for engineering a good musical climax. Specially commissioned for Truro Cathedral Choir, this service has entered the regular repertoire, as well as being featured in webcasts, recordings and broadcasts. Stopford juxtaposes the delicacy of the treble melody with the vulnerability in the text, as the old Simeon gives thanks to the Lord for meeting the child Jesus, knowing that his lifetime of service to the temple has finally been rewarded by seeing his saviour. As in The Seal Lullaby, the lower parts present a gently rocking accompaniment of pure calm.

Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace: according to thy word.

For mine eyes have seen: thy salvation,

Which thou hast prepared: before the face of all people;

To be a light to lighten the Gentiles: and to be the glory of thy people Israel.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son: and to the Holy Ghost;

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end. Amen.

Luke 2:29-31, minor doxology

Vox clara ecce intonat – Gabriel Jackson

As the saxophone bursts into life, high in its register, the choir answers with “Hark! A herald voice is calling”, like rays of light shining through darkness. The voices rise to embrace the exuberance of the saxophone part, sometimes playing in a 'call and answer' style, and at other times fully involved in the texture. In the third verse, the tenors and basses provide a sustained backdrop for an alto solo, which duets with the saxophone, with imitative exchanges and parallel phrases. The fourth verse slowly builds in choral texture, and is dominated by the brilliance of the saxophone part, moving to the final verse which gives way to the ‘Amen’, chorally subdued but topped off with a final dramatic flourish.

Vox clara ecce intonat,

obscura quaeque increpat:

procul fugentur somnia;

ab aethre Christus promicat.

Mens iam resurgat torpida

quae sorde exstat saucia;

sidus refulget iam novum,

ut tollat omne noxium.

Esursum Agnus mittitur

laxare gratis debitum;

omnes pro indulgentia

vocem demus cum lacrimis.

Secundo ut cum fulserit

mundumque horror cinxerit,

non pro reatu puniat,

sed nos pius tunc protegat.

Summo Parenti gloria

Natoque sit victoria,

et Flamini laus debita

per saeculorum saecula. Amen.

Hark! a herald voice is calling:

'Christ is nigh,' it seems to say;

'Cast away the dreams of darkness,

O ye children of the day!'

Startled at the solemn warning,

Let the earth-bound soul arise;

Christ, her Sun, all sloth dispelling,

Shines upon the morning skies.

Lo! the Lamb, so long expected,

Comes with pardon down from heaven;

Let us haste, with tears of sorrow,

One and all to be forgiven;

So when next he comes with glory,

Wrapping all the earth in fear,

May he then as our defender

On the clouds of heaven appear.

Honour, glory, virtue, merit,

To the Father and the Son,

With the co-eternal Spirit,

While unending ages run. Amen.

6^th century Latin hymn, sung at the hour of Lauds during Advent, translated by Edward Caswall

Programme notes by Paul-Ethan Bright

Truro Cathedral Choir

Truro Cathedral has had a choir of boys and men since it was consecrated in 1887. The current team of eighteen boy choristers and twelve gentlemen sings at six services each week during term time as well as at the major services around Christmas and Easter. They also undertake regular concerts, broadcasts, webcasts, foreign tours and CD recordings.

In recent years the choir has performed live on BBC1 as well as making recordings for BBC1’s Songs of Praise programme and a BBC2 documentary The Truth about Carols. There are regular live broadcasts on BBC Radio 3 and, in 2011, it became the first British cathedral choir to webcast a service. On Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs programme, Howard Goodall chose the choir’s recording of music by French composer Maurice Duruflé as his favourite disc.

Recent CD recordings have attracted praise from critics in the international classical press: “Inspirational singing from one of the top cathedral choirs in the land” (Organists’ Review); “The singing of the choir, set in the wonderful acoustic of Truro Cathedral, is beyond praise” (MusicWeb International); “They have a fresh, unforced sound and encompass with ease the bigger eight-part writing and unexpected harmonic progressions. It’s noticeable that the solo voices include five different boy choristers of equal accomplishment – a tribute to Gray’s expert training.” (Gramophone).

In addition to its commitments in Truro, the Choir has performed in Germany, Austria, Switzerland, France, Sweden, Italy, Spain and the USA.

A great deal of new music has been written specially for Truro Cathedral Choir by some of the UK’s top composers, among them David Bednall, David Briggs, Jonathan Carne, Paul Comeau, Paul Drayton, Graham Fitkin, Howard Goodall, Gabriel Jackson, James MacMillan, Russell Pascoe, Howard Skempton and Philip Stopford.

The eighteen boy choristers are all educated at Polwhele House School. They rehearse every day before school for at least 45 minutes. On most weekdays they come straight from school to the Cathedral where they do their homework before rehearsing for another 40 minutes and singing a service at 5.30 pm. They sing two further services on Sundays.

The boys are joined by twelve gentlemen who sing the alto, tenor and bass parts. Six are Lay Vicars who are based permanently here in Cornwall. Six are Choral Scholars who come from various parts of the UK and further afield to spend their gap years singing with our renowned choir. There is also an Organ Scholar. All organise their lives, work and holidays around the choir’s busy schedule of commitments.

Truro Cathedral supports three other choirs which provide singing opportunities for boys and girls aged 7 to 18, as well as adults. A separate team of girl Choristers, in the age range 13 to 18, will join Truro Cathedral Choir next September. Full details can be found on the Cathedral’s website.

Joel Garthwaite Saxophonist

Graduating from both the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama (BMus 2006) and the Guildhall School of Music and Drama (MMus 2007) Joel is sought after as a soloist, chamber musician and recording artist.

His performance work is centred on the award winning Lunar Saxophone Quartet which, since 2006, has developed a reputation as one of the leading chamber music ensembles in the UK. Other regular performance work includes solo performances, orchestral work with the London Contemporary Orchestra and session work. Joel’s media work has included live broadcasts for BBC Radio 5 Live, BBC Radio Wales, BBC Radio 3, Sky Arts, ITV and BBC TV.

His performances have spanned classical halls across the UK including the Barbican Hall and St David’s Hall, and more diverse venues including The Roundhouse, Jazz at Pizza Express Soho, and Bryn Terfel’s Faneol Festival.

Joel is a Signum Records and Edition Records recording artist.

Roses are Red

We all know what today is.  The world's greatest Hallmark moment, legitimised by capitalism... Ahhh, there's nothing like being cynical.  I, of course, have an extremely checkered relationship with the implications of this date and also with relationships anyway, and I'm sure we'll be investigating this further as I claw my way out of this soul crushing depression I'm struggling with, inch by inch.  

However, it is Valentine's day after all.  We should be celebrating the values of love and tenderness... unless it's not, obviously.  I broke stride on twitter last night after reading this midget gem of hilarity:

"Roses are crabs
Violets are crabs
Haha there are crabs everywhere lol
Oh god this isn't a joke anymore where did they all come from"

What can I say.  It inspired me.  What follows here is what happened next... At least I was enjoying myself.  At one point I seem to visit the outskirts of word salad? 

Roses are red
My tongue is blue
Is it fatal?
Oh God

Roses are red,
But white grapes are green.
Time to unlearn
Everything you've seen.

Roses are grey
Violets are grey
Everything is grey.
I wish I wasn't colourblind

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I forgot the safeword
Fuck.

Roses are red
Violets are helicopter
Grand soapbox wrenches
Inclement weather

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If only you had original thoughts
And treated me like a human being
*sigh*

Roses are red,
Violets are fuchsia.
They're not always blue.
Idiot.

Roses are red,
Violets aren't cheap;
I wonder, in which of these lyrics
Do you think I'm playing for keeps?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If only it wasn't inappropriate
To be in love with you.

Roses are red,
I'm tired of this game;
Inside I am dead,
And no longer feel shame.

Hmm.  That took a dark turn.  Woo.

Happy Valentine's Day, suckas.

You Black Bright Stars

First things first: I survived turning 25.

It's been two weeks since my last post and, boy!  What a two weeks it's been!  Last Saturday I ended up having one of my once infamous "quiet days", where I initiate a simple yet effective lockdown - no extra-domestic communication or travel.  I'm sure any members of the counseling or medical communities might find this troubling, I know my family and my friends do as well, but I'm not going to sit here and say I would recommend this to anybody unless in a state of absolute mental disarray... Which I may or may not have been.  I've recently been struggling with my depression quite a lot, actually, and sometimes that struggle comes out as being unable to leave the house.  

I guess... I guess I've been getting stuck in my own head more recently.  In considering what the next step is I've actually thought more and more about the things I've missed out on, things that I'll never have chance to get onto because I'm too old - I had lunch with my boss last week and I brought up something as insignificant as never going on an Eton Choral Course; initially not because I had missed on the idea of it, but more that I had missed out on an opportunity to do more singing when I was younger - although I suppose being an alumnus of the "Rod Squad" wouldn't have hurt too much.  Of course, thinking about it, I probably would have had extreme difficulties with my social and emotional states - surely I would have been expelled from the course for hitting someone who would have suggested that Derby was a third rate Cathedral Choir (an assertion that I've had to bite my tongue through several times, both here and at University).  Oh well.  They would have deserved it, but more on the good old days another time... Although I suppose that singing for almost 18 years (and singing countertenor for 10 of those years) is a worthy endorsement in itself. 

Of course, the next great tableau of melodrama is the oncoming Hallmark masterpiece of Valentine's Day... It's more a backdrop that brings my own issues to the top of my thoughts instead of being repressed like most of the time.  I essentially don't have a problem with the whole cards and gift giving and romantic dinner and candles and all that... There's certainly a lot of jealousy that I can't really join in, what with being bitter and alone, but also upset,  more that I just never seem to be able to get almost any kind of relationship right at all.  I feel like I'm a danger to myself and others emotionally, which is probably some kind of psychological equivalent to body dismorphia thinking about it.  The last few years' worth of "romantic" relationships have ended, well... Badly.  I've even had occasion this year to recall one such relationship that impacted my time at choir from almost four years ago as well, as a wave of dreadful similarities line up - don't mourn for me though because it turns out I'm always the villain, a one dimensional emotional and intellectual abyss that it's okay to hate!  I'm reminded of my own failures constantly, and the 14th of February is a perverse focus for me, that I just can't seem to hack that level of physical and emotional relationship with another human being... And if the thought of me having trouble with that amuses you, then why not think about how you would manage facing the same realisation, once you've finished guffawing heartily?

Enough, as I once shouted in the middle of the night when standing out of bed yet still unconscious (a mystery I still have not got to the bottom of), there must be some light at the end of the barrel.  Mustn't there?  I can't really tell at the moment, which means I need to slug it out even as I'm not really sure that it's necessarily going to get better.  It's at times like this that I turn to my old totems for support though, to maintain a symbolic identity at the very least.  It's hard!  It's not fun.  I upset myself more effectively than anybody else does.  Maybe it really is time for the beta blockers.

What's worth pointing out in the midst of all this despair is how good things have been at work over the last few days.  Friday night concert, Saturday night singing at a ball, Sunday services and the most nonsensically loud but truly excellent Monday evensong in a long time, with Sunday evening to the end of services this half term presided over by Truro's indefatigable Alto dream team add up to actually a very good time indeed.  This sort of week makes me question my own desire to leave, especially now having dismissed five potential moves back into England, one from a particularly prestigious choir in a particularly beautiful Cathedral (like that narrows it down), because essentially... I don't want to.  Now isn't my time, but I'll really need to be aware of when it's time ahead of time from anything from a year to three months in advance to ensure I'm not unsure.  Or maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and totally uproot myself without a safety net.  So many people do and succeed after all, there must be something to it?

NEXT TIME ON Asylum Southwest... Who knows?!  Outside of existential terror I've finally sat through enough sermons to finish The Trial and I'm convinced I've found it funnier than anyone else has on a first read, almost entirely abandoned the questionable pacing of the Assassin's Creed franchise, and found myself questioning that Jerry Espensen is the token Asperger's character in Boston Legal, when all along it's been Alan Shore.

Cue music.  Roll credits.